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Wednesday, February 24, 2010
sigh
dunno what to do alr la u grrrr really really really really really really feel like bonking your head right now. bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk your head until got a giant bump. grawr but you'll scold me for being violent... sigh
really just hope that we got a chance but u arent gonna give me. ok. attempting to power thru isnt working. time to go to plan b. n just wait and treasure every second i can b with you...
hahaha mb i really got depression n ocd and borderline muahahha my mental psych is screwed thank god
5:26 pm
>>>Lost n still lookinG<<<
Saturday, December 26, 2009
japan
lols writing this in japan. i just suddenly need to vent and i hope u nvr c this post. really need somewhere to vent but it's ok u nvr come my blog anyway
u'll never know how much pain it's causing me when u say those words to me.
u never knew but now that u know it's just lidis
i've been listening to O-town songs. all or nothing. so ironic that it perfectly describes our situation. even more ironic is the fact that U introed the song to me! hahaaa but thanks either way. mb it's fate or mb it's just luck HAHA! but at least this song's a source of comfort for me these nights. sigh
u taught me to smile and to laugh when there was nothing in my life to be happy about.
u taught me to look on the bright side of life
u taught me to love even when that love wasnt given
now i want something more but i think it'll never be mine
u r running further and further and i can't catch u
i miss u so much but it's more than you'll ever know
i just wanna hear your voice, see your face
i just wanna feel your presence again
u'll never know the comfort u bring to me
u'll never know the hope you give to me
i love u n hope u love me
zzz more bad poetry really sld shoot myself where's the bloody gun. on a side note japan is awesome but i keep staring at my phone waiting for an sms that'll never come *duh* and at random photos in my phone to keep me happy. at least some part of u will always be mine. lolz i used to be happy to b called someone's fren. never really had that many frenz partly cos i push them away once they get too close. u got closer than anyone else, but now that ur this close, i wanna b closer but u just pull back. what can i do? if ur asking do i love u this much, baby i do...
stay happy always! s happy always!!! stay happy always! omg ok i'm happy =) *smiles* *laughs* *hugs* *jumps*
O-Town - All or Nothing
I know when he's been on your mind
That distant look is in your eyes
I thought with time you'd
realize it's over, over
It's not the way I choose to live
And something somewhere's gotta give
A share in this relationship gets older, older
You know I'd fight for you but
how could I fight someone who
isn't even there
I've had the rest of you now I
want the best of you I don't
care if that's not fair
Cause I want it all
Or nothing at all
There's nowhere left to fall
When you reach the bottom it's now or never
Is it all
Or are we just friends
Is this how it ends
With a simple telephone call
You leave me here with nothing at all
There are times it seems to me
I'm sharing you with memories
I feel it in my heart but I
Don't show it , show it
Then there's times you look at me
As thought I'm all that you could see
Those times I don't believe it's right
I know it , know it
Don't make me promises baby
you never did know how to keep them well
I had the rest of you now I want
The best of you it's time to
Show and tell
Cause I want it all
Or nothing at all
There's nowhere left to fall
When you reach the bottom it's now or never
Is it all
Or are we just friends
Is this how it ends
With a simple telephone call
You leave me here with nothing at all
Cause you and I
Could lose it all if you've got no more room
Nowhere inside for me in your life
Cause I want it all
Or Nothing at all
There's nowhere left to fall
It's now or never
Is it all
Or Nothing at all
There's nowhere left to fall
When you reach the bottom it's now or never
Is it all
Or are we just friends
Is this how it ends
With a simple telephone call
You leave me here with nothing at all
i'll always be happy for u and right here for u no matter what happens. even after the day that u slap and kick me away cos that's the only way i can love u until u love me in the same way. that's all i can do now. and that's all i can ask of u. don't push me away even after ur with someone new. cos u mean the world to me even if i mean nothing at all to you.
10:44 pm
>>>Lost n still lookinG<<<
Monday, August 10, 2009
stuff
omgomgomgomg
tmr's the first day of schhhh OMG NOOOOO
n i think it really sux that the hols r over so quickly. like seriously. but the past few wks have been damn fun. lol. all the fun stuff like trial camp and medicamp and all those awesome memories. along with rag...
medicine won best performance n most creative for rag! omg. n yes the dance was seriously some awesome shit. i still can't believe that they managed to do it cos i remember seeing the dance for the first time and having stuff going thru my mind like. shit this is going to die. lol but they did it. amazing seriously. omg
and yes i seriously believe in god now. cos i dont think the float cld have stayed together without some divine intervention. like seriously... it was falling appart on the way over to src. ok fine only the crane. and i was like fkfkffkfkfkfkfk i dont wanna touch this up tonight... amazingly only a bit of the other stuff fell off. so yeah. n yes the feeling of being part of all this was great. even tho i mostly errrr went down to entertain myself irritating ppl =) yes i'm a sadist go screw yourself in the face.
so yeah. had a great tiem n i really dunno why i'm even bothering to type this out since this blog suddenly seems such a waste of time for me. but yeah. time o get on with life and start studying and to start gymming/training for floorball/going to hell yesss
4:27 pm
>>>Lost n still lookinG<<<
Saturday, July 04, 2009
everything's fallen apart
actually i dont really know what to blog today. i'm tryin to hold everything together but i feel like the more i try the more i'm slipping off my fingertips
i argued with my parents again. i guess that there's no point tryin to hide it anymore. there's no way i'm going to b able to talk to them normally. not after what they did to me. not after all that shit. not with my heart and soul still in a million pieces.
its really a weird time to think abt all this. i mean c'mon it's the hols. but yeah things have a strange way of happening and i really guess that the hols r the only time when i'm 'free' to think about all this shit. so yeah.
i havent been really fair to many of my friends. but i guess that's the way i wanted stuff. when we were togehter, i was willing to give up everything i cld. but it was nvr enough. mb we just came from different backgrounds. mb we're just different ppl too different. i still think that we cld still b tgr. but u dont even wanna tlak to me. either way thanks for this lesson. i'm still weak. and i've only begun learning this lesson. i need to be stronger. i need to armour myself against everything adn anyone. cos the moment something slips through my defenses it's going to hurt me. so better to keep the world at bay than let someone come through. cos it's not worht the effort. i've been alone before. i'm always alone. mb that's just the way i'll die. alone as well but for the one in the deep regions of my heart.
i'm still praying for you btw. and for you as well. i hope you get well soon. i think that it's really unfair that you have to go thru this. i meant every word i said abt you being too nice to die early. i can't really justify why i'm praying to a god who let's this happen to you. but it's alright. you're going to pull thru this cos that's what i believe and i'll make sure you pull thru even if i have to pull you by the hair =) so yeah. be strong. i can't fight with you. but i can try to give you as much support as i can.
lols whatever. i'm emo tonight. nights
11:21 pm
>>>Lost n still lookinG<<<
Saturday, June 06, 2009
reflections
i realise i havent been happy all this while w/o you. i havent updated this blog that regularly since forever also. just no drive to blog i guess. i realise that i really dunno what i'm doing with my life. friends? i havent found much joy in them also. those whom i'm comfortable with and really enjoy being with know i guess hahaa cos they're probably the only ones i tell stuff to... the rest haha.
i still wonder what i did wrong... was i wrong to think that 2 ppl from worlds so different could be together and be happy just because we cld get along splendidly? like isnt it enough? isnt just the feeling and knowing that you really care for someone enough to bridge that gap put there by the artificial barriers our society employs to make sure that everyone has a place in the world? after all... if everyone's a king then wth r they kings of right?
so yeah i guess. everyone keeps telling me to forget you. to move on. and yes i know it's not fair to anyone least of all myself to keep hanging onto you. but we dont even talk now. it's all in my mind. but i still see the picture hanging on my door (figurative if you think this is literal you're an idiot =P). maybe i really should move on... everyone says that we were nvr the correct match... o wells too bad... i guess i really wanna move on too. but i just can't. my mind keeps resetting to that day everything ended.
sigh nvm. time to move on with life. almost 6mths + alr... 8 if you wanna b picky. maybe it's really time to see the truth and move on... i only know that i never want to go through the same thing again unless if it's with you. n that's the only thing i'll keep to. so yeah. no more clubbing girls or girls who think they like clubbing or girls who like dancing at clubs. even if it's once in a while NO. i'm not going to take it again. come to think of it... fk that all. i dont wanna know anyone who clubs anymore m'gawd. i can't take it anymore. i totally dont see the fking point of going clubbing. not when i can drink anything i want to at home... or at bars n lounges.
if you're there and you still read this i hope you see it. no matter what it seems... i'm still waiting for you. but i dont intend to wait forever. forever's too long for me to see. it's the now that matters and the now that calls to me. here's now and that's the way life is. dont make me keep looking into the future cos i'm sick of foresight. everything i did cldnt foresee where i am right now and i know that it nvr cld have. its time that i lived for the here and now.
8:00 pm
>>>Lost n still lookinG<<<
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
sian
i'm in medsoc lounge waiting for soccer to start. this is boring and stupid and i've studied the entire day alr and i feel like the world is coming to and end
maybe i sld just start eating proper food. on the other hand. HECK EATING let's all starve and die of nutrition deficiency, etc etc etc etc etc and let my leptin levels go so low that they dont exist anymore. and let my heart have not enough energy to pump so that it can't keep racing everytime i think abt you or see you.
yup time to die =) preferably b4 exams come so i can save the effort hoho
4:00 pm
>>>Lost n still lookinG<<<
Monday, April 13, 2009
zzz
i've been feeling really irritated and down lately. unfortunately its not at someone. its just at the world generally. the more i think abt it the more i think this world would be prettier in about 300billionbillionbillion atoms. scattered all over the place and just mostly GONE.
really sux. and i finally lost it with my parents. i mean its just so damn fking ironic. to listen to a pair of ppl who always taught me to try to treat everyone fairly telling me abt why someone isnt gd enough for me etc. i mean like wtf. ya ya this happened god knows how long ago wif my ex and yes i stil can't believe how self-centered egoistic they are. case in point i finally lost it and now i dont talk more than necessary with my parents. hell if i care abt them anymore. pls die and b crucified
what's the fking point lar. srsly. of all this shit. i take shit and shit and shit. and i always end up forgetting and keeping quiet abt how fked up i feel. why? cos one day i'll get the chance to backstab and laugh. like i'll even backstab when the time comes. i hate stupid ppl. not ppl who r stupid but ppl who r too damn idiotic to realise when their words and actions arent in line. which is kinda why i nvr say i'm going to treat ppl nicely. cos i'm not going to. so too bad. suck it up and fk off fktards.
aiya fk lar whatever dunno what's the point of all the shit
10:10 pm
>>>Lost n still lookinG<<<
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Lyrics
Air Supply - All Out Of Love
I'm lying alone with my head on the phone
Thinking of you till it hurts
I know you hurt too but what else can we do
Tormented and torn apart
I wish I could carry your smile and my heart
For times when my life feels so low
It would make me believe what tomorrow could bring
When today doesn't really know, doesn't really know
I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you
I know you were right believing for so long
I'm all out of love, what am I without you
I can't be too late to say that I was so wrong
I want you to come back and carry me home
Away from this long lonely nights
I'm reaching for you, are you feeling it too
Does the feeling seem oh so right
And what would you say if I called on you now
And said that I can't hold on
There's no easy way, it gets harder each day
Please love me or I'll be gone, I'll be gone
I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you
I know you were right believing for so long
I'm all out of love, what am I without you
I can't be too late to say that I was so wrong
Oh, what are you thinking of?
What are you thinking of?
Oh, what are you thinking of?
What are you thinking of?
I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you
I know you were right believing for so long
I'm all out of love, what am I without you
I can't be too late to say that I was so wrong
I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you
I know you were right believing for so long
I'm all out of love, what am I without you
I can't be too late to say that I was so wrong
I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you
I know you were right believing for so long
I'm all out of love, what am I without you
I can't be too late to say that I was so wrong